March 19, 2010
FoodCon’s progressive story

The Harrison Center for the Arts Writers Group sponsored the progressive story as part of FoodCon. The rules were simple — each guest added one more sentence to the story. They were encourage to add whatever popped into their mind, not worrying about plot or continuity. Writers group members provided the first sentences for each of the progressive stories and occassionally added a sentence throughout the evening to keep things moving.

The Life of Bryan

It was a dark and stormy night. Twilight was over. But the Independence Day fireworks lit up the sky. It was the fireflies’ least favorite night of the year, the Fourth of July; they had such fierce competition! The smoldering heat made Paul anxious, what luck, he thought as he twisted his bassoon reed. A crowd came to Paul and listened to his music.; they gave him tons of money. After Paul got paid Tito pulled out his record bag and bumped the sunrise set. TECHNO. Music all around, makin’ a happenin’ sound and then…Bob Barker showed up with his lovely beauties. Then Sponge Bob came to the rescue. Sorry, Sponge Bob was must my imagination. I wanted to bring him into the story. OK!! When the storm came we peed our pants. Then a dinosaur came and ate everyone. Ha, ha, not quite. Not me. I’m too spicy. Therefore I had to eat him but he tasted sour…yuck! The vegetarian did not partake. Suddenly, the fireworks were mysteriously misdirected toward the carnivorous predator. And then Sponge Bob died!! Ha ha. The Bill found a portkey and escaped the dinosaurs. Much to his dismay he only had a few mushrooms to eat now. After his meal he found himself filled in a strange world, where the trees were colorful lollipops and the rivers ran with Kool-Aid. But bewared the Kool-Aid, ti si unsweetened. Little did anyone know that the Kool-Aid was a magical elixir. Anyone who drank it gained full health and long life. A magic fairy landed and transformed the elixir to a fountain of youth where many children came to play. But the children fell into a dark dungeon on a fire breathing dragon. Where they saw a Village Pantry and started to steal everything!! By stuffing all the goodies into their shirts and pants until they toppled over. The squirrel they stole got angry and started biting them; the squirrel had rabies. That caused the people to scream a lot, but a magician gave them a special potion that made them float above the tree tops and they felt better immediately. Bryan took a deep breath. And that was a good thing: he plunged toward the ground the next instant. He looked down towards the sky to see a huge blue-winged bird! Bryan started to whistle at the bird. And then the bird started to talk. The bird said, “I am the Blurd. It you can catch me and pluck one of my feathers, I will be a myrmidon to you.” He knew it would take skill to catch the bird—but all he had on him was a string and a Snickers bar. And Snickers is disgusting. So, like any smart “man,” he knew the owl would not want to eat a Snickers. He disposed of the Snickers in a secret underground chamber and performed THE ritual. The bird looked toward the man ludibriously, sure that he was about the witness the poor man making a mockery of himself. The man began to chant.

Bernard’s Busy Day

Then man-eating plant and the giant were troubling to Sir Bernard, but it ws the dragon that him truly worried. He just wasn’t worried anymore in his hopes alone he was truly worried. When the dragon saw Sir Bernard it sat down in a mud puddle and cried. Then the dragon started breathing fire at him! Then the dragon started to cry because he had a thorn in his foot! “DRAGON!” exclaimed Sir Bernard, “Get a hold of yourself!” And then the dragon spit fire on him and he got decenegrated. (Typist’s note: couldn’t bear to fix that one.) An angel came down from above and brought Sir Bernard back to life. The dragon got angry and killed him again for the second time. “Rats,” said the man-eating plant. “I was so looking forward to eating him before you flambe’d him: So the man-eating plant prayed to the Lord to bring back Sir Bernard. The Lord struck Bernard with lightning.  But it was to no avail—Bernard couldn’t be revived…even by God Himself. Or so they thought. Little did they know, a meteor had recently struck the earth, carrying with it a rare alien virus yet unknown to humankind. Fortunately, the virus only affected MEAN people. Chaos ensued after all the politicians on earth got sick and died. Then the miniature aliens took over the planet and gave everyone purple candy. The purple candy was poison. And only the conservatives died…very sad. There was one person left. His name was Joe the Dead bird he lived a bad life when he ran into the wall that was named Joe who killed him. (???) And above his graved, lived two tiny birds in a tree, who (REALLY??) sang sweetly to everyone who passed by. He arose from the ground as a flesh-eating zombic but unfortunately he the curse’d chain link fencing stopped him in his tracks. He then returned to his grave, for he was tired. The Moon was full and music was playing from a distance. He turned in the direction of the music, imaging the town, the community he might find there. It was coming from the bakery. The smell overwhelmed him and transformed him back into the living dead…Zombie! Bernard suddenly came back to life (actually it was his ghost). A dragon came down from above and ate Bernard’s ghost. The man eating plant came back to life and ate the dragon’s head. God pityed (another one too good to change) the dragon and gave him five new heads and brought Bernard back in Bono’s body. God gave Bernard 5 extra lives. The extra lives could come in handy, he thought, being a zombie-and-dragon slaying rock star was hard work. It was so hard to believe he ended up in that profession, especially because of how he is grandmother raised him. Then he found golden potion. It made Bernard Invincible and immortal forever (gotta love it). He would never be able to die again. And then a beautiful Gillygaloo appeared. While everyone was marveling at its beauty it gilravaged a village. The peasants tried to stop it but they were unsuccessful. It was one mean bird. Not so much mean as misunderstood. Bernard needed to use his heart, not his sword. Na, he was just mean. You bet he was men, and sullen. The only thing that would satisfy him was shepherd’s pie. And it had not been seen in the land for many years. Bernard found the only dhepherd pie maker captured by his arch enemy the Dragon! So Bernard did—as heroes do—and grab his anonymous ancient weapon handed down from some god or something and killed the dragon real nobel like. Then he fell in love with an ecdemic beauty from France. Bernard then hurled the meaty potato filled pie at the lovely beauty from France, Queen Bertha III. This, being a common mating ritual of the time, surprised the Queen. For although a queen, she was disturbingly hideous.

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